Unaccomplished.

For the past two years I have seen drastic changes in myself, these are not the good changes either. I feel like my sense of self worth is becoming less and less as the years go by. I am not trying to complain really, I realize I do have a good life. I have a wonderful husband, two awesome dogs and family and friends I love with all of my heart. It is more of being unhappy with myself and my accomplishments (or lack there of) that has me so down. Living here doesn't help much either.

Looking in the mirror everyday I honestly see a shell of who I once was. When I see myself I always think "what the hell happened to me". I still have big hopes and dreams for myself but everything seems so far out of reach that I cannot even find the motivation to pursue them. Everyday that passes I get closer to 30 and I have not done anything in way of finding a career path I want to take. The problem is that when I look for a career path I always lean towards the same direction. Which one with think "great go with that". Problem is that I really feel that it is unrealistic so I never can bring myself to try. Not to mention the other issue of there not being any programs in that specific field that I can even go to around here. I feel as though I will always be stuck right where I am. I know I am the only person that can do something about it but I don't even know where to begin.

On another note, my friendships. My whole life I have always had a lot of wonderful friends I am used to being around people that I can trust I have always had a good way of finding those types of people. Living here has been such a different experience for me. I have my husband and dogs but that is it. I have tried to make friends here but not only am I very incompatible with most of them I have come across, I feel like there is not a single one I can trust. Trust is everything in ANY kind of relationship and it is very important to me. Do you ever just know when people are talking about you behind your back? Yeah. Still I will go out with them from time to time because I need to get out of the house every now and then but it is always uncomfortable and awkward. Maybe it isn't even them, maybe it is me. Everyday I feel myself closing up even more.

How do I get back to who I once was? My job is making me absolutely miserable and I wont even quit because I am to afraid to do anything different. How the hell did that happen? I want to take risks and search for the things that make me happy. I am just so fucking scared.