Unaccomplished.

For the past two years I have seen drastic changes in myself, these are not the good changes either. I feel like my sense of self worth is becoming less and less as the years go by. I am not trying to complain really, I realize I do have a good life. I have a wonderful husband, two awesome dogs and family and friends I love with all of my heart. It is more of being unhappy with myself and my accomplishments (or lack there of) that has me so down. Living here doesn't help much either.

Looking in the mirror everyday I honestly see a shell of who I once was. When I see myself I always think "what the hell happened to me". I still have big hopes and dreams for myself but everything seems so far out of reach that I cannot even find the motivation to pursue them. Everyday that passes I get closer to 30 and I have not done anything in way of finding a career path I want to take. The problem is that when I look for a career path I always lean towards the same direction. Which one with think "great go with that". Problem is that I really feel that it is unrealistic so I never can bring myself to try. Not to mention the other issue of there not being any programs in that specific field that I can even go to around here. I feel as though I will always be stuck right where I am. I know I am the only person that can do something about it but I don't even know where to begin.

On another note, my friendships. My whole life I have always had a lot of wonderful friends I am used to being around people that I can trust I have always had a good way of finding those types of people. Living here has been such a different experience for me. I have my husband and dogs but that is it. I have tried to make friends here but not only am I very incompatible with most of them I have come across, I feel like there is not a single one I can trust. Trust is everything in ANY kind of relationship and it is very important to me. Do you ever just know when people are talking about you behind your back? Yeah. Still I will go out with them from time to time because I need to get out of the house every now and then but it is always uncomfortable and awkward. Maybe it isn't even them, maybe it is me. Everyday I feel myself closing up even more.

How do I get back to who I once was? My job is making me absolutely miserable and I wont even quit because I am to afraid to do anything different. How the hell did that happen? I want to take risks and search for the things that make me happy. I am just so fucking scared.

Backstabbers..

Okay, I was offered a position at work that was supposed to come with more significant benefits at least significant in retail. I was pretty excited about that. Then one of the managers comes and says I will not get anything that I was offered. So naturally I decline the position. Now I have all of the other management coming to me begging to please take the position that I WILL get everything I was offered with little to no counter work. I am still considering it.

Thing is someone who is supposed to be a "friend" sat there while butthead manager told me I was a quitter because he couldn't give me saturdays off. (I don't work on Sat anyways why would I move departments so I had to work sat?) She sat there and told me over and over "it's not worth it" "I wouldn't take it". Guess what? Yes, she was training over there a couple of days ago. So really what she was saying was "don't take it because I want it". The whole day she kept giving me these smug looks. I just wanted to laugh right in her face because.... The other managers kept coming to me all day saying "please reconsider, we only want you in that position".

I guess that my gut instinct is always the best, I cannot trust anyone there!

Meat in bags.

Another gripe just an FYI. I went grocery shopping this morning, that is always a fun thing in and of itself (pft) but it irritates me to no end how the baggers bag my groceries. I will typically go to a self service lane so I can bag my own things but seeing as I haven't had a chance to shop in a while I had a little more than usual. Now many friends of mine argue that I have some OCD tendencies. When I shop I put things in a specific order which in turn goes on the counter in the same order. For example, boxed items go with boxed items, cans with cans, fruit with fruit, frozen items with frozen items and most importantly meat with MEAT! I do it this way because when I get home the bags are separated so it is easier to put the items that need to be refrigerated away with out sorting through everything else.

As usual when someone at this grocery store bags my items they are completely out of order. I understand completely that sometimes the checker scans faster than the bagger bags and that is fine. Today though I was frustrated beyond belief when I was putting the groceries in the car. I bought four things of meat. Instead of those four items going in one bag it ended up with raw chicken in a bag with fresh vegi's, ground beef in with lunch meat and tortilla's, steak in with a giant thing of yogurt and OJ and last but not least pork with gum and canned items.

Now some people might not mind that but I have issues with raw meat so having it mixed with other things is really.. eww. Not to mention canned items being with the meat I would rather not having them smashing the meat.

TMI.

I am starting off my blog by posting about my shitastick day. At work I had nothing but asshole customers all day long, I realized after a comment a co-worker made that for some reason no federal or state taxes have been getting taken out of my check (I know I did the W-2 right I have done one at every job I have ever had with no prob) not to mention some other things that have been pissing me the hell off..

But, even with all of that my gripe is about something else entirely. I have to wonder why people feel it appropriate to talk to me about a "menstrual cycle". I get that I am a fellow female and all but really I do not need to know how heavy your "flow" is or the color, texture or clottiness of it. Seriously? Two women from my work now have gone on and on about it. Do I have a tattoo on my forehead that says *tell me about your period please, I cannot survive with out this information*?